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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He's chubby, I'm built. I have a full head of hair, he's bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can't do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated to bettering lives. Granted, Dr. Phil likes to show off in front of a national television audience while I prefer to dispense with my tough-talking advice via this blog (although if any television producers are reading this, I'd be open to hosting my own show. I'm thinking an hour-long format -- possibly as a lead-in to Oprah. The theme song is recorded and ready to go.)

Dear Uncle Barney:

When most people think of goats, they think of the can-eating child friendly petting zoo staple. However recently my friend Ted was savagely attacked by one that required a trip to the hospital. So, either they're quite ferocious (like he says), or Ted's a big time wuss. Which one is it? And, what other relatively harmless animals do you advise we stay away from?

Marshall E., Minnesota

Dear Marshall,

First off, it sounds like your friend Ted is one of the biggest wussies in the history of wussery (#1 - still the French). That being said, here are three relatively harmless animals to stay away from unless you want to wind up in a hospital for reasons other than picking up a hot nurse coming off a 24 hour shift whose decision making can be easily manipulated and whose primary desire is to get into bed.

  1. Bees -You've seen "My Girl" (if you haven't you should, but bring tissues - it's a tear jerker.)
  2. My neighbor's dog Wally - This golden retriever who lived next to my mom's house growing up seemed so friendly and great but as soon as you tried to ride him like a horse, he'd bite your stomach.
  3. Rabbits - They don't walk, they hop. They eat the heck out of your carrots. And if they could, they'd carry your feet around for good luck. If you see one, I advise running.


Dear Uncle Barney:

I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death, because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing?

Jack Package, New York

Dear Jack,

It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it.

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