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Monday, September 29, 2008

The Host with the Most

Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host?

  • Personality -- Check
  • Awesomeness -- Check
  • Good Looks -- Check

Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.

IS SHE LEGAL?

20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal?

  • Location: International waters
  • Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly
  • Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice
  • Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board

AMERICA'S WETTEST T-SHIRT

500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest
  • Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo
  • Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps
  • Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants
  • Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society

FATHERS AND SONS

Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew
  • Location: The heart
  • Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son
  • Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop
  • Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association

THE NEXT GREAT TAILOR

Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week
  • Location: Milan
  • Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories:
    1. Wear-ability
    2. Remove-ability
    3. Get-Barney-laid-ability
  • Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid
  • Sponsor: Barney's New York. Duh.

DON'T FORGET YOUR WALLET

Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship.

  • Location: A bedroom near you
  • Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas
  • Prize: Freedom
  • Sponsor: Trojan "Together we can end Feelings"

Monday, September 22, 2008

Overcoming Illness

As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the “get well” cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams you’ve been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings.

During my courageous battle against Feelings I discovered, in shock, that the medical establishment has done very little research on this crippling affliction. In fact some physicians even went so far as to claim Feelings aren’t even a life-threatening disease! Luckily for you my PhD in Awesomeness has qualified me to assemble this informative medical pamphlet for any of you who fear you may have contracted Feelings.

Keep fighting, America.

ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM FEELINGS?

What Are Feelings?

Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs.

Early Warning Signs

When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:

  • Pounding Heart
  • Dry Mouth
  • Nausea
  • Inability to speak
  • Sweating
  • Desire to say flattering things
If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease…

Symptoms
  • Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
  • Lightheadedness
  • An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
  • Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
  • Brunch cravings
  • Explosive monogamy
  • Happiness
  • Failure to notice other hot women
  • Crosswording
Transmission

Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.

Treatment

At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.

paid for by the Barney Stinson Foundation

“Together we can end Feelings”

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