Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He's chubby, I'm built. I have a full head of hair, he's bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can't do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated to bettering lives. Granted, Dr. Phil likes to show off in front of a national television audience while I prefer to dispense with my tough-talking advice via this blog (although if any television producers are reading this, I'd be open to hosting my own show. I'm thinking an hour-long format -- possibly as a lead-in to Oprah. The theme song is recorded and ready to go.)

Dear Uncle Barney:

When most people think of goats, they think of the can-eating child friendly petting zoo staple. However recently my friend Ted was savagely attacked by one that required a trip to the hospital. So, either they're quite ferocious (like he says), or Ted's a big time wuss. Which one is it? And, what other relatively harmless animals do you advise we stay away from?

Marshall E., Minnesota

Dear Marshall,

First off, it sounds like your friend Ted is one of the biggest wussies in the history of wussery (#1 - still the French). That being said, here are three relatively harmless animals to stay away from unless you want to wind up in a hospital for reasons other than picking up a hot nurse coming off a 24 hour shift whose decision making can be easily manipulated and whose primary desire is to get into bed.

1. Bees -You've seen "My Girl" (if you haven't you should, but bring tissues - it's a tear jerker.)
2. My neighbor's dog Wally - This golden retriever who lived next to my mom's house growing up seemed so friendly and great but as soon as you tried to ride him like a horse, he'd bite your stomach.
3. Rabbits - They don't walk, they hop. They eat the heck out of your carrots. And if they could, they'd carry your feet around for good luck. If you see one, I advise running.

*******************************

Dear Uncle Barney:

I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death, because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing?

Jack Package, New York

Dear Jack,

It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it.

As Fast as I Can

Getting out of a ticket -- turns out -- not as easy as getting out of a second date. Nor apparently, are cops as easily manipulated as say, the Dow Jones. But when the po-po pulls you over on your way to your next pharmaceutical sales convention, you need to be ready. Here's a Stinson approved practice test.*

Which answer will get you out of a ticket?

1. You pull an illegal U-turn on a two lane road. Freddy Fuzz waddles over and asks for you license and registration.

• A: Apologize and promise to never to it again.
  
• B: You explain you have diplomatic immunity. You're an ambassador from the country of Awesome.
  
• C: Cry
  

2. There's a girl fight happening across town. You're doing 95 on the highway. Carl Copper flashes his lights. You pull over. He asks for license and registration. You:

• A: Explain you're dyslexic. You thought you were going 59.
  
• B: You do your duty as a bro and tell him about the fight.
  
• C: Cry.
  

3. You run a stop sign. Trudy Trooper wants your license and registration. You:

• A: Say you thought that sign was for your heart, because that's what it did when you saw her.
  
• B: Hand them over. With your phone number.
  
• C: Cry
  

Answers:

Question 1:

• A: Ticket
  
• B: Ticket
  
• C: Ticket
  

Question 2:

• A: Ticket
  
• B: He turns on the sirens and you get there just in time to see the girls yank off their tops and roll into a conveniently placed puddle of mud. Then he writes you a ticket.
  
• C: Ticket
  

Question 3:

• A: Ticket
  
• B: Ticket but also a fun night with handcuffs and a lot of "Yes, Officer!"
  
• C: Ticket and she laughs at you.
  

*Please note that if you are a hot chick, you will never get a ticket. If you are borderline hot, (we're talking 4-7 out of 10), crying should do the trick.

Crunching the Numbers

I recently reached an important personal goal: 200 women. That's like 100 women, twice...but you know, with 100 totally different women. Since it's clearly just a numbers game, I think it's safe to say I'm in the lead.*

With the almost mythic "200" conquered, I started wondering how "200" fits in the pantheon of landmark numbers. So here you have it, 200 by the numbers.

*Professional athletes, Pharaohs, and Kennedys excluded from competition.