The Bro Code

At long last I have published "The Bro Code" -- the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes. "The Bro Code" definitively answers some of mankind's most profound dilemmas like "what happens if I accidentally brush against another Bro's junk?" and "how many pizzas should I order?" and "can I sleep with a Bro's ex-girlfriend?" This life-saving document is now available both in book stores and online.

Read an excerpt here.

An informative and valuable read for men and women alike, "The Bro Code" is the perfect stocking stuffer (heh) this holiday season, but don't take my word for it...

Critical Acclaim for "The Bro Code"

• "This is the finest piece of literature ever written. Now will you give me my phone back, Barney?" --Theodore M.
• "This is by far the most disgusting, disparaging, stomach churning thing I've ever read, which means a lot if you've ever seen one of my husband's grocery lists."--Lily A.
• "You'll howl... with delight!"--Stephen King
• "Stinson uses language like a scalpel, digging though our deepest emotional tissue to expose the very core of the human psyche." --Mike Tyson
• "Finally! A book worth reading!" --God
• "Stinson beat me to it." --J.D. Salinger
• "Jefferson's out, Stinson's in!" --Rachel M. (President - Mount Rushmore National Preservation Society)
• "An entertaining beach read." --Pope Benedict XVI
• "Ewww." --Robin S.
• "Out of this world!" --Alien (creature from another planet)
• "I'm sorry what?" --Maya Angelou
• "I have a hundred words for 'snowflake' but only one word for 'The Bro Code,' - awesome!" --Some Eskimo maybe
• "This book makes me want to rethink my career." --Mark (the dude who wrote the Gospel

Interveneous Injection

When a friend gets engaged, there's only one appropriate response: PANIC. Engagement is often the gateway to marriage; the leading cause of monogamy. As a friend, it's incumbent upon you to prevent this calamity, but should the traditional methods of intervention (booze, strippers, more booze) come up empty, you may have to resort to a more personal and heartfelt tactic: reading him the most heartfelt of letters.

Not a Father Day

Everyone’s talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father’s Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.

But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It’s simple. In fact, there’s a good chance you’re already Not a Father, but you’ll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first.

Not A Father - FAQs

1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father?
   
   The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
   
   
2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
   
   Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.
   
   
3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
   
   Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:

• "the penis poncho" (condom)
• "sex mints" (birth control pills)
• "outercourse" (dry-humpin’)
• "the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)
• "the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)

A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/how_i_met_your_mother/community/barney_blog/www.thenationalcampaign.org/unplanned/back2school.aspx

I Heart NJ

The fist bump. One bro's way of telling another bro: "clever joke" or "thanks for taking the heffer so I could get the hottie" or "don't worry, I won't tell your girlfriend/wife." It's essentially the only acceptable form of bro-to-bro contact with the obvious exception of the high five. While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of bro-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.

Can you match these momentous fist bumps over the course of history with their place on the timeline?

1. Eli Whitney fist bumps cotton
2. God fist bumps Adam
3. Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV
4. Martin Luther fist bumps his 95 theses onto the door of the church
5. Tommie Smith and John Carlos fist bump atop the Olympic podium
6. Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle
7. Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict a Pharaoh fist bumping a cat
8. China builds the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion
9. Chuck Yeager breaks the sound/fist bump barrier - (Other guy's arm falls off - never done again)
10. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make the first space fist bump
11. The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump