Worst Night Ever

A few months ago, I would have told you being in a monogamous couple is worse than promise rings, worse than breast reductions, worse than male jean shorts. But I stand before you a changed man. Yes, Barney Stinson has learned there are far greater evils in this world than the perils of only one vagina to call home. Beware! A hidden danger lurks in the shadows of monogamy and it goes by the name of the “double date.”

I know what you’re thinking. Double dating sounds awesome. You have a brief respite from just hanging out with your partner plus a dude to bro out with while the ladies talk about shopping or shoes or cleaning or whatever it is they talk about. Plus, there is always the possibility that a few too many glasses of wine leads to a three-way with your bro left out in the cold or, at worst, manning the video camera.

But it’s not worth it. Don’t believe me? Check out what my former bro Marshall sent to me… clearly a guy so miserable in marriage that he’ll give anything to hang out with anyone else. Granted, Robin and I are ridiculously awesome so I kind of get where he’s coming from. But still. There’s just no excuse for this.

Notes from Class: Robin 101

College is awesome. Where else do you find such a high concentration of women willing to party on a Tuesday? Unfortunately there are classes. Here are my notes from last week.

The Barnacle understands that his peeps needs his tweets. So follow along with my twitter account. Here’s the link: http://twitter.com/Broslife

Why Girls MUST wear Jeans to a Strip Club…

Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered “no” please refer to my earlier post Never Wear Jeans to a Strip Club from 2/14/06. If you answered “yes” take a second to admire them… maybe give them a soft caress... maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress… Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means you’re a chick and therefore have a duty (heh) to always wear jeans if and when you go to a strip club. Why?

1. A chick wearing something other than jeans steals focus. Frankly, it’s disrespectful to those hardworking community college dropouts who’ve decided to listlessly gyrate their sinewy bodies in front of slack-jawed strangers in exchange for cash. Insulting, really.
   
   
   
   
2. A skirt or a dress says you’re not open to a lap dance. Candy’s doesn’t have the time to push up your petticoats to get in there. That cute floral a-line basically announces you’re taking up space preventing another patron from contributing to her tattoo-removal fund. Not cool.


3. Jeans are too tight for wallets. Wearing jeans forces you to keep money in places other than your pocket (I suggest betwixt your boobies), so when you have to pay for a drink you’re graciously offering patrons two shows for the price of one.
   
   
   
   
4. Jeans help prevent infection. Trust me: you want as little exposed flesh on a strip club seat as possible. Save lives: cover up those gams.


5. To attract the fellas. If there’s one thing guys like, its something else. After a night of seeing awesome nakedness, a woman in a pair of sexy tight jeans is a nice change. Plus, if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll take those jeans off later thereby completing the great circle of stripper life.
   
6. Comfort. The fact that you came to a strip club in the first place shows that you’re a cool chick. You might as well take the night off from style and go for feel – you deserve to slip into those dungarees.

* A friendly “mahalo” to my TG/TS/TV readers!

DEFINE THIS!

I spent a lot of my summer chilling out with my special lady buddy, Robin. According to my social colleague, Lily, that wasn’t a precise enough definition of our time together. You see, as a gentleman I generally prefer not to kiss and tell (unless I’ve nailed a ten or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat… and also, just to be clear, I’ve slept with Robin A LOT). But Lily has carelessly thrown around words like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” and – worst of all – “relationship.” I don’t think so. Look it up.

• re·la·tion·ship [ree-ley-shuh n-ship] – A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.

I mean, how ridiculous can one get? “Connection existing between people”?! What are we, Siamese twins? “related to” Um, no. Gross. “Dealings with each other”? We don’t have dealings, we have intercourse! Crazy, “here put this on” intercourse! Clearly, Robin and I are not in a “relationship.” But since Lily refuses to let it go, I thought I’d offer up some better definitions of how two people choose to interact… well, the PG version anyway.

• hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] – When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.
  
• hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.
  
• see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.
  
• da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex.

• marr·iage – [marr-edge] – see: suicide.
  
• play·ing the field – [play-ing the feeeeld] – Banging as many people as possible.
  
• just friends – [just frends] – Two people who probably could’ve banged that one night but didn’t and it’s been a little weird ever since. They’ve thought about it, though.
  
• Barn·man and Rob·in [barn-man and rob-in] – A delightful and humorous play on words meant to equate Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky with popular comic book superheroes Batman and Robin, but instead of fighting crime they like to have sex in public places… but they do sometimes wear costumes, so… yeah.

Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He's chubby, I'm built. I have a full head of hair, he's bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can't do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated to bettering lives. Granted, Dr. Phil likes to show off in front of a national television audience while I prefer to dispense with my tough-talking advice via this blog (although if any television producers are reading this, I'd be open to hosting my own show. I'm thinking an hour-long format -- possibly as a lead-in to Oprah. The theme song is recorded and ready to go.)

Dear Uncle Barney:

When most people think of goats, they think of the can-eating child friendly petting zoo staple. However recently my friend Ted was savagely attacked by one that required a trip to the hospital. So, either they're quite ferocious (like he says), or Ted's a big time wuss. Which one is it? And, what other relatively harmless animals do you advise we stay away from?

Marshall E., Minnesota

Dear Marshall,

First off, it sounds like your friend Ted is one of the biggest wussies in the history of wussery (#1 - still the French). That being said, here are three relatively harmless animals to stay away from unless you want to wind up in a hospital for reasons other than picking up a hot nurse coming off a 24 hour shift whose decision making can be easily manipulated and whose primary desire is to get into bed.

1. Bees -You've seen "My Girl" (if you haven't you should, but bring tissues - it's a tear jerker.)
2. My neighbor's dog Wally - This golden retriever who lived next to my mom's house growing up seemed so friendly and great but as soon as you tried to ride him like a horse, he'd bite your stomach.
3. Rabbits - They don't walk, they hop. They eat the heck out of your carrots. And if they could, they'd carry your feet around for good luck. If you see one, I advise running.

*******************************

Dear Uncle Barney:

I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death, because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing?

Jack Package, New York

Dear Jack,

It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it.

As Fast as I Can

Getting out of a ticket -- turns out -- not as easy as getting out of a second date. Nor apparently, are cops as easily manipulated as say, the Dow Jones. But when the po-po pulls you over on your way to your next pharmaceutical sales convention, you need to be ready. Here's a Stinson approved practice test.*

Which answer will get you out of a ticket?

1. You pull an illegal U-turn on a two lane road. Freddy Fuzz waddles over and asks for you license and registration.

• A: Apologize and promise to never to it again.
  
• B: You explain you have diplomatic immunity. You're an ambassador from the country of Awesome.
  
• C: Cry
  

2. There's a girl fight happening across town. You're doing 95 on the highway. Carl Copper flashes his lights. You pull over. He asks for license and registration. You:

• A: Explain you're dyslexic. You thought you were going 59.
  
• B: You do your duty as a bro and tell him about the fight.
  
• C: Cry.
  

3. You run a stop sign. Trudy Trooper wants your license and registration. You:

• A: Say you thought that sign was for your heart, because that's what it did when you saw her.
  
• B: Hand them over. With your phone number.
  
• C: Cry
  

Answers:

Question 1:

• A: Ticket
  
• B: Ticket
  
• C: Ticket
  

Question 2:

• A: Ticket
  
• B: He turns on the sirens and you get there just in time to see the girls yank off their tops and roll into a conveniently placed puddle of mud. Then he writes you a ticket.
  
• C: Ticket
  

Question 3:

• A: Ticket
  
• B: Ticket but also a fun night with handcuffs and a lot of "Yes, Officer!"
  
• C: Ticket and she laughs at you.
  

*Please note that if you are a hot chick, you will never get a ticket. If you are borderline hot, (we're talking 4-7 out of 10), crying should do the trick.

Crunching the Numbers

I recently reached an important personal goal: 200 women. That's like 100 women, twice...but you know, with 100 totally different women. Since it's clearly just a numbers game, I think it's safe to say I'm in the lead.*

With the almost mythic "200" conquered, I started wondering how "200" fits in the pantheon of landmark numbers. So here you have it, 200 by the numbers.

*Professional athletes, Pharaohs, and Kennedys excluded from competition.

3, 4, Knock On My Door

I recently encouraged my best friend, Ted, to observe the “Three Day Rule” regarding when to call a chick after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to re-establish contact you can fool her into thinking you’re not as desperate as you probably are. It’s a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs like Ted, but there’s a more technical approach for intrepid souls that requires both advanced expertise and polished skills… the “Four Day Rule.”

As explained in my New York Times Best-selling book, “The Bro Code,” waiting four days instead of three gives you a considerable edge when it comes to winning over a woman, but this strategy raises many frequently asked questions from gentlemen callers:

If I girl gives me her number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?

If you call a girl right away and other guys follow suit, eventually women will expect timely correspondence… and that’s an unnecessary burden for everyone.

Okay, then why don’t I just wait a week, or a month, or even a year? Waiting a week makes her think you were too scared to call and a month makes it seem like you’re even more desperate than calling her the first night. As far as waiting a year, experiments are underway to determine at what exact time period a belated call from the past will fool a chick into thinking you haven’t been able to get her out of your mind after all this time, which can lead to some spirited nostalgic sex.

I scored a few phone numbers over the weekend and I’m worried I will mess up the days and call too soon or too early. What should I do? Spreadsheet. Heh.

Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time to call her? Call during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance of catching her voicemail, and then, with any luck, the ball will be in her court. If the gods are in your favor, you might even be able to set something up without ever actually having to talk with her.

Everyone I know swears by the Three Day Rule. Why are you such a proponent of the Four Day Rule? If everyone you know has heard of the “Three Day Rule,” then you can rest assured that women have heard of it, too. By waiting an extra day, you can really make that random chick you met while drunk feel unique.

The Fantasy Fantasy League

The land of make believe is no longer confined to rainy-day attics or treehouse sleepovers. All across this great nation, grown men and women are playing pretend –- imagining themselves as the general managers of professional sports teams. And while that might be good clean fun, I prefer my fantasies to be bad dirty fun. Therefore I proudly present to you my latest and greatest idea: Fantasy Fantasy League.

Last week some friends and I created our own fantasy fantasy draft board. The object was to put together the best possible fantasy by selecting (in any order) a PERSON, PLACE, and SITUATION. After randomly selecting a draft order, I went first…

As with most fantasy leagues, some analysis is necessary. Let’s go over the big winners and losers of this draft:

WINNERS

Barney: Locked up Scarlett Johansson early, then scooped up the Playboy Mansion, when it inexplicably fell to the second round. By closing his draft out with “snowed in,” Stinson created the perfect scenario – Scarlett Johansson surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women who, it’s worth noting, like getting naked. Add in the apocalyptic event of snow blanketing southern California and you have very naked beautiful women preparing for the end of the world with Barney leading the charge toward heaven.

Lily: Solid location pick in the first round after Robin choked and picked possibly the unsexiest place on earth after an intensive care unit (assuming no nurses). Went for value in the later rounds and the diversity of picks opens the door for bonus fantasy entertainment - when she’s done handcuffing her Aussie, they can while away those long hours on the deserted island with a one man performance of Pippin.

LOSERS

Ted: Reached for an environment too early and then added insult to injury by choosing a lame continent. Sure, Paris might be an acceptable pick if this were a Shoe Fantasy league but with locations like “outer space” and “mattress store” still on the board, this bust of a pick may haunt him for years. His second and third picks were total question marks, not even worth mentioning. It was like watching the New York Jets at the NFL draft.

Marshall: Really? You’re going to pick the only woman you’ve ever had sex with for your fantasy? His other picks are all over the map, but at least he knows what he wants.

WILDCARD

Robin: I tuned out after Canada.

Old Person Quiz

For several years now, I've been prohibited from playing Little League baseball. This is an inevitable part of aging, and a necessary one -- because the simple truth is I would dominate those little punks on the diamond.

But as Aaliyah so famously declared: Age ain't nuthin' but a number. You might be fifty and act twenty, you might be twenty and act fifty, or you might be sixteen with a really good fake I.D., a body that screams eighteen, and a very violent, stubborn father.

Some of us don't know where we stand -- but as usual, Barney is here to the rescue with this very helpful quiz. Answer the questions honestly and find out exactly how old you really are...

You're at a bar and your friend buys a round of tequila shots. You...

1. Down your shot, then your friend's shot, then order another round.
   
2. Down your shot, thank your friend, and retire home for the evening.
   
3. Turn down the shot - you have work tomorrow.
   
4. This entire scenario is unrealistic - bars? What is this, college?
   

Your friends are camping out for concert tickets. You...

1. Get a keg and a tent -- you're in.
   
2. Give them money and ask them to buy you a ticket
   
3. Pass -- can you believe the crap those kids are listening to these days.
   
4. The music's too loud, parking is a pain, and everyone's on drugs. No, thanks.
   

Your friends are at the beach throwing the football around. You...

1. Organize a tackle football game - straight out of the Abercrombie catalog. But straight.
   
2. Just throw the ball around nice and soft -- while enjoying the sun's rays.
   
3. Don't throw the ball at all -- that's a good way to get your trick shoulder worked up again.
   
4. Don't go to the beach because sand gets in places you don't want sand to be, and the sun is a big blaring ball of potential Melanoma beating down on you.
   

You're house sitting in your friend's ridiculous mansion. You...

1. Throw a house party that will make Kid N' Play's hair fall out.
   
2. Invite a small group of friends over for a dinner party.
   
3. You have a date with his comfortable couch, a glass of Chianti, and the latest Clive Clussler.
   
4. You leave early because you're old and depressed and it's strikingly clear you'll never be able to afford a house of similar size.
   

You get a girls' number. You...

1. Call her that night for a booty call.
   
2. Wait the allotted 3 days and ask her out for coffee.
   
3. Wait the allotted 3 days to call and plan a dinner.
   
4. Don't call because phones are too confusing.
   

The stock market is crashing. You...

1. Don't care because you aren't invested in the stock market.
   
2. Care a little because some of your buddies are on Wall Street.
   
3. Start looking for a ledge to jump off of.
   
4. Find it exciting to actually have something to talk to people about.
   

It's the first beautiful day outside in a while. You...

1. Fill a thermos with gin and step outside.
   
2. Barbecue with some friends. Maybe even cook a steak
   
3. White-wash your fence.
   
4. Bird-watch with the new binoculars you bought off of QVC.
   

You just found out that you won the lottery. You...

1. Spend half the money on booze and the other half on strippers.
   
2. Buy a really cool car that you've always wanted.
   
3. Diversify thru mutual funds and CD's.
   
4. Do not want to cash in the ticket for fear that "once Uncle Sam gets his hand in your pocket, he won't let go."
   

You're at a sporting event and a jerk is causing a ruckus. Do you:

1. Hit him with a beer bottle and when he looks over, point to the guy next to you.
   
2. Berate him about why he's being a jerk and if he wants to fight you say, "Yeah, like I'm gonna fight you over a sporting event."
   
3. Alert an usher about said jerk.
   
4. N/A. Don't attend sporting events because of chance of inclimate weather and escalating price of concessions and seriously, have you seen what they're charging for a cup of birch beer nowadays? It's criminal.
   

You're flipping thru the channels and you see that a "Golden Girls" marathon just started. You...

1. Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   
2. Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   
3. Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   
4. Watch it (at an increased volume) - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   

Assign yourself the corresponding points for each answer and tally them.

For instance, if you answered choice (1) to a question, give yourself one point, and so on and so forth.

• 10-15 - You're young at heart, or you're an immature jerk. Either way, do as you please.
• 16-25 - You're still hanging on to that last vestige of youth. Many people your age shake their head at your antics.
• 26-32 - You're starting to get that old person smell. Give it up
• 33-40 - You may be dead already.

Oh Canada

An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn't born that way. It took work. Now we've all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol' fashioned research.

It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada - America's frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn't that they're into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it's the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on.

So without further ado, allow me to present to you: http://www.canadiansexacts.org/

Study it. You never know when you might find yourself north of the border and south of her's.

Couture Watch: Nightshirt Makes Night Moves

After an evening spent in the surprising freedom and luxury of a nightshirt, I have decided to update my approved wardrobe lists.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter

RE: Awesome Manuscript

Best Story Ever.

Casting Couch

"Whether you’re hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending you’re a married man to please your mother, every now and again you’ll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually you’ll need to produce a human being to corroborate your story. That’s when you’ll need an actor.

“But Barney, actors are whiny and self-centered.” True, but they’re also professional liars and –- as an added bonus –- very, very hot.

“How do I go about hiring these masters of deceit?” You’ll need to generate a character description and post it with a casting service or local newspaper. Before you complain about all that work, remember: You’ll be rewarded with hundreds of pictures of hot strangers sent right to your home...free.

Below are some notices I sent out recently when trying to cast a fake family so that my mother would love me. Enjoy!

CASTING CALL!

• Role: BETTY STINSON. Fortuitous wife of Barney Stinson. Despite birthing a son has not lost her figure. In fact, might look better than she used to.
• Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
• Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary web-cam auteur who brought you such raw classics as “Jessica: February 1st, 2009 -– Met at MacLaren’s Last Call” and “Tina: September 13, 2006 -– New Mail Room Girl at Work.”
• Pay: Scale.
• Seeking: Female, 18 – 29, energetic, extremely attractive. Like, at least a 9.
• Skills:

1. -- Hot -- like, at least a 9
2. -- Must provide own swim suits, négligés...whatever “sexy outfits” a married women might have
3. -- Willingness to perform own stunts
4. -- Breathtaking breasts
5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene
6. -- Great in bed

• Notes:
  

1. -- May require nudity
2. -- Great first-time role: I know, like, a ton of important Hollywood people

Please send headshots, resumes, and other pictures to Barneystinson@yahoo.com

CASTING CALL!

• Role: TYLER STINSON. A young boy with the greatest father ever.
• Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
• Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary cell-phone camera auteur who brought you the cell phone video classics “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk” and “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk 2: Revenge of the Stool.”
• Pay: $50/day. Some meals.
• Seeking: Male, can play 6 – 8 years old, preferably blonde and chiseled. Must have spectacular depth of facial expression, and an all around sense of awesomeness.
• Skills:

1. -- Familiar with the Stanislavski System of Acting
2. -- Background in improv preferred
3. -- Must be able to do your own makeup and hair and provide own wardrobe – welltailored suits a plus, or, barring that, something not off the rack
4. -- Stage combat
5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene
6. -- Hot moms encouraged

• Notes:
  

1. -- Actors should come with a prepared monologue about how awesome their dad is
2. -- Moms come dressed to move

Please send headshots and resumes to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com

Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door

Check out the most awesome résumé ever!

Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir:

As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.

I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb though the stack of tree-killing, archaic paper résumés that have inundated your office or luxury yacht because as a… human… of great power and influence, you don't have time to read. As such, I proudly yet humbly present to you my video résumé:

Bingo!

Every year I take the top 25 party schools and arrange them on a bingo card. The rules are simple*: Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction – up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc.

*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo

1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.
2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.
3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.
4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.
5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.
6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.
7. Have fun!

Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top awesome -- I can help others improve.

Dear Uncle Barney,

My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm adjusting my fantasy football roster or reading about up-coming video games. I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.

Sincereley,

Joseph Donovan

----------------------

Joseph,

There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.

DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about appetizers -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.

DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.

DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).

*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.

**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.