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Monday, November 24, 2008

Naked Man!

As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today, they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit.

But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.

Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.

Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.

Step 1:

You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.



Step 2:

Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth.



Step 3:

Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.



This works...2 out of 3 times.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Barney Stinson University (B.S.U.)

OPEN ENROLLMENT -- COURSE ADDITION

SOC 435 -- Woo and You: A Study of Woo Girls in their Natural Habitats

Course Objective: For students to gain a greater knowledge and insight into the species of Woo Girl and their various breeds and types. Course will be hands on/pants off and focus specifically on Woo Girl haunts such as Mardi Gras, Western Themed Bars, and Spring Break. At the end of the ten week session, students are expected to have thorough and exhaustive knowledge of Woo Girl culture and mating rituals.

Prerequisites: Students shall have successfully passed both CGR 105 (An Introduction To Cougars) and ADV BRST 235 (Differential Equations and Matrix Algebra of Breasts.) Enrollment is limited to upper classmen only.

Professor: Stinson, B.

Class Schedule:

Week 1: WHAT IS A WOO?
An overview of Woous Normalus and their place in history, society, and mythology. Special guest lecturer: 3-time Wet T-shirt champion Tara Collins.

Week 2: THE CALL OF THE WOO
An in-depth look at the mating call. In the laboratory, students will master both the tonal aspects and wavelength duration of a Woo call. Later, during advanced fieldwork, students will attempt to infiltrate a pack of Woo girls, observe them in their native environments, and record and submit the phone numbers of any hot ones.

Week 3: THE BEAD INDUSTRY
The symbiotic relationship between young, impressionable women and shiny round objects on strings. We will examine both the micro and macro economics of Wooing.

Week 4: SUB-SPECIES OF WOO
Woous Vegasus, Woous PanamaCityus, and Woous SouthPadreus. We will explore their differences and similarities as well as their journey from Daddy’s Little Girl to Bad Relationships, and how the Discovery of Madori affects this evolution.

Week 5: MOVIE NIGHT
In what has traditionally been a popular lecture, students will analyze and deconstruct a collection of Girls Gone Wild DVD’s.

Week 6: WOO GIRLS AT THE WORKPLACE
An analysis of Woo Girl professionals. Lecture will focus through a historical lens, highlighting Woo girls in the workplace from the early days of aviation hospitality to present day pharmaceutical sales.

Week 7: FIELD TRIP TO MARDI GRAS
Students will observe the highest Holy Day of Woo, in the Wooiest City in the World.

Week 8: ORAL PRESENTATIONS
Students present theses prepared over this intensive two month course. Suggested topics include: The Seasons of Woo, The Origins of Woo, and Woos in World War II.

Required Reading:

  • Subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine
  • STA Spring Break Travel Guide ‘09
  • The Female Anatomy, 1991 ed.
  • The Bro Code
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Required Viewing:

  • Charlie’s Angels: The Complete First Season
  • Wild Things
  • Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Season Yearbook 1994
  • MTV’s The Grind: Complete Series

Monday, November 3, 2008

Doing Hard Time

As any graduate of Barney Stinson University can tell you, everything you need to know in life you learned while watching soft core porn:

  • "Pool Cleaner" is the best job on the planet
  • Busty blonde women make the best detectives
  • Women's prisons are hot, sexual breeding grounds of uninhibited debauchery
Female prisons existed for millennia as vast untapped (heh) reservoirs until our friends the Ancient Egyptians invented the conjugal visit, and suddenly the maximum security sexual paradise became accessible not just to Pharaoh, but also to Joe the Pyramid Builder. While today's gentleman may think starting a relationship with a female convict sounds like the perfect relationship - minimal talking, no expensive dinners, guaranteed sexual relations – I must warn you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

While these women are caged animals whom you can love and leave at your pleasure, what happens when they’re no longer caged? Parole boards and over-crowded prisons have conspired to threaten this fragile heaven. So how do you know which violent criminal should be the next notch on your bedpost (that you can make with her shiv!)? You can start by having her fill out this simple questionnaire, provided she knows how to read.

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