Doing Hard Time

As any graduate of Barney Stinson University can tell you, everything you need to know in life you learned while watching soft core porn:

• "Pool Cleaner" is the best job on the planet
• Busty blonde women make the best detectives
• Women's prisons are hot, sexual breeding grounds of uninhibited debauchery

Female prisons existed for millennia as vast untapped (heh) reservoirs until our friends the Ancient Egyptians invented the conjugal visit, and suddenly the maximum security sexual paradise became accessible not just to Pharaoh, but also to Joe the Pyramid Builder. While today's gentleman may think starting a relationship with a female convict sounds like the perfect relationship - minimal talking, no expensive dinners, guaranteed sexual relations – I must warn you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

While these women are caged animals whom you can love and leave at your pleasure, what happens when they’re no longer caged? Parole boards and over-crowded prisons have conspired to threaten this fragile heaven. So how do you know which violent criminal should be the next notch on your bedpost (that you can make with her shiv!)? You can start by having her fill out this simple questionnaire, provided she knows how to read.