Naked Man!

As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today, they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit.

But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.

Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.

Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.

Step 1:

You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.

Step 2:

Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth.

Step 3:

Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.

This works...2 out of 3 times.