As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the “get well” cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams you’ve been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings.
During my courageous battle against Feelings I discovered, in shock, that the medical establishment has done very little research on this crippling affliction. In fact some physicians even went so far as to claim Feelings aren’t even a life-threatening disease! Luckily for you my PhD in Awesomeness has qualified me to assemble this informative medical pamphlet for any of you who fear you may have contracted Feelings.
Keep fighting, America.
ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM FEELINGS?
What Are Feelings?
Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs.
Early Warning Signs
When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:
- Pounding Heart
- Dry Mouth
- Nausea
- Inability to speak
- Sweating
- Desire to say flattering things
Symptoms
- Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
- Lightheadedness
- An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
- Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
- Brunch cravings
- Explosive monogamy
- Happiness
- Failure to notice other hot women
- Crosswording
Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.
Treatment
At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.
paid for by the Barney Stinson Foundation
“Together we can end Feelings”
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