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Monday, September 29, 2008

The Host with the Most

Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host?

  • Personality -- Check
  • Awesomeness -- Check
  • Good Looks -- Check

Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.


20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal?

  • Location: International waters
  • Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly
  • Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice
  • Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board


500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest
  • Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo
  • Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps
  • Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants
  • Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society


Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew
  • Location: The heart
  • Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son
  • Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop
  • Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association


Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week
  • Location: Milan
  • Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories:
    1. Wear-ability
    2. Remove-ability
    3. Get-Barney-laid-ability
  • Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid
  • Sponsor: Barney's New York. Duh.


Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship.

  • Location: A bedroom near you
  • Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas
  • Prize: Freedom
  • Sponsor: Trojan "Together we can end Feelings"

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