Old Person Quiz

For several years now, I've been prohibited from playing Little League baseball. This is an inevitable part of aging, and a necessary one -- because the simple truth is I would dominate those little punks on the diamond.

But as Aaliyah so famously declared: Age ain't nuthin' but a number. You might be fifty and act twenty, you might be twenty and act fifty, or you might be sixteen with a really good fake I.D., a body that screams eighteen, and a very violent, stubborn father.

Some of us don't know where we stand -- but as usual, Barney is here to the rescue with this very helpful quiz. Answer the questions honestly and find out exactly how old you really are...

You're at a bar and your friend buys a round of tequila shots. You...

1. Down your shot, then your friend's shot, then order another round.
   
2. Down your shot, thank your friend, and retire home for the evening.
   
3. Turn down the shot - you have work tomorrow.
   
4. This entire scenario is unrealistic - bars? What is this, college?
   

Your friends are camping out for concert tickets. You...

1. Get a keg and a tent -- you're in.
   
2. Give them money and ask them to buy you a ticket
   
3. Pass -- can you believe the crap those kids are listening to these days.
   
4. The music's too loud, parking is a pain, and everyone's on drugs. No, thanks.
   

Your friends are at the beach throwing the football around. You...

1. Organize a tackle football game - straight out of the Abercrombie catalog. But straight.
   
2. Just throw the ball around nice and soft -- while enjoying the sun's rays.
   
3. Don't throw the ball at all -- that's a good way to get your trick shoulder worked up again.
   
4. Don't go to the beach because sand gets in places you don't want sand to be, and the sun is a big blaring ball of potential Melanoma beating down on you.
   

You're house sitting in your friend's ridiculous mansion. You...

1. Throw a house party that will make Kid N' Play's hair fall out.
   
2. Invite a small group of friends over for a dinner party.
   
3. You have a date with his comfortable couch, a glass of Chianti, and the latest Clive Clussler.
   
4. You leave early because you're old and depressed and it's strikingly clear you'll never be able to afford a house of similar size.
   

You get a girls' number. You...

1. Call her that night for a booty call.
   
2. Wait the allotted 3 days and ask her out for coffee.
   
3. Wait the allotted 3 days to call and plan a dinner.
   
4. Don't call because phones are too confusing.
   

The stock market is crashing. You...

1. Don't care because you aren't invested in the stock market.
   
2. Care a little because some of your buddies are on Wall Street.
   
3. Start looking for a ledge to jump off of.
   
4. Find it exciting to actually have something to talk to people about.
   

It's the first beautiful day outside in a while. You...

1. Fill a thermos with gin and step outside.
   
2. Barbecue with some friends. Maybe even cook a steak
   
3. White-wash your fence.
   
4. Bird-watch with the new binoculars you bought off of QVC.
   

You just found out that you won the lottery. You...

1. Spend half the money on booze and the other half on strippers.
   
2. Buy a really cool car that you've always wanted.
   
3. Diversify thru mutual funds and CD's.
   
4. Do not want to cash in the ticket for fear that "once Uncle Sam gets his hand in your pocket, he won't let go."
   

You're at a sporting event and a jerk is causing a ruckus. Do you:

1. Hit him with a beer bottle and when he looks over, point to the guy next to you.
   
2. Berate him about why he's being a jerk and if he wants to fight you say, "Yeah, like I'm gonna fight you over a sporting event."
   
3. Alert an usher about said jerk.
   
4. N/A. Don't attend sporting events because of chance of inclimate weather and escalating price of concessions and seriously, have you seen what they're charging for a cup of birch beer nowadays? It's criminal.
   

You're flipping thru the channels and you see that a "Golden Girls" marathon just started. You...

1. Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   
2. Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   
3. Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   
4. Watch it (at an increased volume) - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
   

Assign yourself the corresponding points for each answer and tally them.

For instance, if you answered choice (1) to a question, give yourself one point, and so on and so forth.

• 10-15 - You're young at heart, or you're an immature jerk. Either way, do as you please.
• 16-25 - You're still hanging on to that last vestige of youth. Many people your age shake their head at your antics.
• 26-32 - You're starting to get that old person smell. Give it up
• 33-40 - You may be dead already.

Oh Canada

An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn't born that way. It took work. Now we've all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol' fashioned research.

It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada - America's frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn't that they're into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it's the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on.

So without further ado, allow me to present to you: http://www.canadiansexacts.org/

Study it. You never know when you might find yourself north of the border and south of her's.

Couture Watch: Nightshirt Makes Night Moves

After an evening spent in the surprising freedom and luxury of a nightshirt, I have decided to update my approved wardrobe lists.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter

RE: Awesome Manuscript

Best Story Ever.

Casting Couch

"Whether you’re hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending you’re a married man to please your mother, every now and again you’ll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually you’ll need to produce a human being to corroborate your story. That’s when you’ll need an actor.

“But Barney, actors are whiny and self-centered.” True, but they’re also professional liars and –- as an added bonus –- very, very hot.

“How do I go about hiring these masters of deceit?” You’ll need to generate a character description and post it with a casting service or local newspaper. Before you complain about all that work, remember: You’ll be rewarded with hundreds of pictures of hot strangers sent right to your home...free.

Below are some notices I sent out recently when trying to cast a fake family so that my mother would love me. Enjoy!

CASTING CALL!

• Role: BETTY STINSON. Fortuitous wife of Barney Stinson. Despite birthing a son has not lost her figure. In fact, might look better than she used to.
• Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
• Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary web-cam auteur who brought you such raw classics as “Jessica: February 1st, 2009 -– Met at MacLaren’s Last Call” and “Tina: September 13, 2006 -– New Mail Room Girl at Work.”
• Pay: Scale.
• Seeking: Female, 18 – 29, energetic, extremely attractive. Like, at least a 9.
• Skills:

1. -- Hot -- like, at least a 9
2. -- Must provide own swim suits, négligés...whatever “sexy outfits” a married women might have
3. -- Willingness to perform own stunts
4. -- Breathtaking breasts
5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene
6. -- Great in bed

• Notes:
  

1. -- May require nudity
2. -- Great first-time role: I know, like, a ton of important Hollywood people

Please send headshots, resumes, and other pictures to Barneystinson@yahoo.com

CASTING CALL!

• Role: TYLER STINSON. A young boy with the greatest father ever.
• Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
• Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary cell-phone camera auteur who brought you the cell phone video classics “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk” and “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk 2: Revenge of the Stool.”
• Pay: $50/day. Some meals.
• Seeking: Male, can play 6 – 8 years old, preferably blonde and chiseled. Must have spectacular depth of facial expression, and an all around sense of awesomeness.
• Skills:

1. -- Familiar with the Stanislavski System of Acting
2. -- Background in improv preferred
3. -- Must be able to do your own makeup and hair and provide own wardrobe – welltailored suits a plus, or, barring that, something not off the rack
4. -- Stage combat
5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene
6. -- Hot moms encouraged

• Notes:
  

1. -- Actors should come with a prepared monologue about how awesome their dad is
2. -- Moms come dressed to move

Please send headshots and resumes to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com