Bingo!

Every year I take the top 25 party schools and arrange them on a bingo card. The rules are simple*: Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction – up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc.

*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo

1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.
2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.
3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.
4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.
5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.
6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.
7. Have fun!

Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top awesome -- I can help others improve.

Dear Uncle Barney,

My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm adjusting my fantasy football roster or reading about up-coming video games. I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.

Sincereley,

Joseph Donovan

----------------------

Joseph,

There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.

DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about appetizers -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.

DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.

DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).

*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.

**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.