The Greatest Story Ever Told

Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter

RE: Awesome Manuscript

Best Story Ever.

Casting Couch

"Whether you’re hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending you’re a married man to please your mother, every now and again you’ll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually you’ll need to produce a human being to corroborate your story. That’s when you’ll need an actor.

“But Barney, actors are whiny and self-centered.” True, but they’re also professional liars and –- as an added bonus –- very, very hot.

“How do I go about hiring these masters of deceit?” You’ll need to generate a character description and post it with a casting service or local newspaper. Before you complain about all that work, remember: You’ll be rewarded with hundreds of pictures of hot strangers sent right to your home...free.

Below are some notices I sent out recently when trying to cast a fake family so that my mother would love me. Enjoy!

CASTING CALL!

• Role: BETTY STINSON. Fortuitous wife of Barney Stinson. Despite birthing a son has not lost her figure. In fact, might look better than she used to.
• Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
• Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary web-cam auteur who brought you such raw classics as “Jessica: February 1st, 2009 -– Met at MacLaren’s Last Call” and “Tina: September 13, 2006 -– New Mail Room Girl at Work.”
• Pay: Scale.
• Seeking: Female, 18 – 29, energetic, extremely attractive. Like, at least a 9.
• Skills:

1. -- Hot -- like, at least a 9
2. -- Must provide own swim suits, négligés...whatever “sexy outfits” a married women might have
3. -- Willingness to perform own stunts
4. -- Breathtaking breasts
5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene
6. -- Great in bed

• Notes:
  

1. -- May require nudity
2. -- Great first-time role: I know, like, a ton of important Hollywood people

Please send headshots, resumes, and other pictures to Barneystinson@yahoo.com

CASTING CALL!

• Role: TYLER STINSON. A young boy with the greatest father ever.
• Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
• Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary cell-phone camera auteur who brought you the cell phone video classics “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk” and “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk 2: Revenge of the Stool.”
• Pay: $50/day. Some meals.
• Seeking: Male, can play 6 – 8 years old, preferably blonde and chiseled. Must have spectacular depth of facial expression, and an all around sense of awesomeness.
• Skills:

1. -- Familiar with the Stanislavski System of Acting
2. -- Background in improv preferred
3. -- Must be able to do your own makeup and hair and provide own wardrobe – welltailored suits a plus, or, barring that, something not off the rack
4. -- Stage combat
5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene
6. -- Hot moms encouraged

• Notes:
  

1. -- Actors should come with a prepared monologue about how awesome their dad is
2. -- Moms come dressed to move

Please send headshots and resumes to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com

Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door

Check out the most awesome résumé ever!

Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir:

As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.

I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb though the stack of tree-killing, archaic paper résumés that have inundated your office or luxury yacht because as a… human… of great power and influence, you don't have time to read. As such, I proudly yet humbly present to you my video résumé: