Worst Night Ever

A few months ago, I would have told you being in a monogamous couple is worse than promise rings, worse than breast reductions, worse than male jean shorts. But I stand before you a changed man. Yes, Barney Stinson has learned there are far greater evils in this world than the perils of only one vagina to call home. Beware! A hidden danger lurks in the shadows of monogamy and it goes by the name of the “double date.”

I know what you’re thinking. Double dating sounds awesome. You have a brief respite from just hanging out with your partner plus a dude to bro out with while the ladies talk about shopping or shoes or cleaning or whatever it is they talk about. Plus, there is always the possibility that a few too many glasses of wine leads to a three-way with your bro left out in the cold or, at worst, manning the video camera.

But it’s not worth it. Don’t believe me? Check out what my former bro Marshall sent to me… clearly a guy so miserable in marriage that he’ll give anything to hang out with anyone else. Granted, Robin and I are ridiculously awesome so I kind of get where he’s coming from. But still. There’s just no excuse for this.

Notes from Class: Robin 101

College is awesome. Where else do you find such a high concentration of women willing to party on a Tuesday? Unfortunately there are classes. Here are my notes from last week.

The Barnacle understands that his peeps needs his tweets. So follow along with my twitter account. Here’s the link: http://twitter.com/Broslife

DEFINE THIS!

I spent a lot of my summer chilling out with my special lady buddy, Robin. According to my social colleague, Lily, that wasn’t a precise enough definition of our time together. You see, as a gentleman I generally prefer not to kiss and tell (unless I’ve nailed a ten or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat… and also, just to be clear, I’ve slept with Robin A LOT). But Lily has carelessly thrown around words like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” and – worst of all – “relationship.” I don’t think so. Look it up.

• re·la·tion·ship [ree-ley-shuh n-ship] – A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.

I mean, how ridiculous can one get? “Connection existing between people”?! What are we, Siamese twins? “related to” Um, no. Gross. “Dealings with each other”? We don’t have dealings, we have intercourse! Crazy, “here put this on” intercourse! Clearly, Robin and I are not in a “relationship.” But since Lily refuses to let it go, I thought I’d offer up some better definitions of how two people choose to interact… well, the PG version anyway.

• hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] – When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.
  
• hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.
  
• see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.
  
• da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex.

• marr·iage – [marr-edge] – see: suicide.
  
• play·ing the field – [play-ing the feeeeld] – Banging as many people as possible.
  
• just friends – [just frends] – Two people who probably could’ve banged that one night but didn’t and it’s been a little weird ever since. They’ve thought about it, though.
  
• Barn·man and Rob·in [barn-man and rob-in] – A delightful and humorous play on words meant to equate Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky with popular comic book superheroes Batman and Robin, but instead of fighting crime they like to have sex in public places… but they do sometimes wear costumes, so… yeah.

The Fantasy Fantasy League

The land of make believe is no longer confined to rainy-day attics or treehouse sleepovers. All across this great nation, grown men and women are playing pretend –- imagining themselves as the general managers of professional sports teams. And while that might be good clean fun, I prefer my fantasies to be bad dirty fun. Therefore I proudly present to you my latest and greatest idea: Fantasy Fantasy League.

Last week some friends and I created our own fantasy fantasy draft board. The object was to put together the best possible fantasy by selecting (in any order) a PERSON, PLACE, and SITUATION. After randomly selecting a draft order, I went first…

As with most fantasy leagues, some analysis is necessary. Let’s go over the big winners and losers of this draft:

WINNERS

Barney: Locked up Scarlett Johansson early, then scooped up the Playboy Mansion, when it inexplicably fell to the second round. By closing his draft out with “snowed in,” Stinson created the perfect scenario – Scarlett Johansson surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women who, it’s worth noting, like getting naked. Add in the apocalyptic event of snow blanketing southern California and you have very naked beautiful women preparing for the end of the world with Barney leading the charge toward heaven.

Lily: Solid location pick in the first round after Robin choked and picked possibly the unsexiest place on earth after an intensive care unit (assuming no nurses). Went for value in the later rounds and the diversity of picks opens the door for bonus fantasy entertainment - when she’s done handcuffing her Aussie, they can while away those long hours on the deserted island with a one man performance of Pippin.

LOSERS

Ted: Reached for an environment too early and then added insult to injury by choosing a lame continent. Sure, Paris might be an acceptable pick if this were a Shoe Fantasy league but with locations like “outer space” and “mattress store” still on the board, this bust of a pick may haunt him for years. His second and third picks were total question marks, not even worth mentioning. It was like watching the New York Jets at the NFL draft.

Marshall: Really? You’re going to pick the only woman you’ve ever had sex with for your fantasy? His other picks are all over the map, but at least he knows what he wants.

WILDCARD

Robin: I tuned out after Canada.

Oh Canada

An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn't born that way. It took work. Now we've all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol' fashioned research.

It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada - America's frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn't that they're into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it's the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on.

So without further ado, allow me to present to you: http://www.canadiansexacts.org/

Study it. You never know when you might find yourself north of the border and south of her's.

Beach Videos

When you see a link to a beach video on this blog, you're not wrong to expect a little hidden camera work from a topless beach and some hushed commentary from your Uncle Barney, as exemplified in my forthcoming documentary series, "Planet Boob."

But this beach video… is priceless.

Sandcastles in the Sand by Robin Sparkles