Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up -- I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Happy Holidays,

Barney Stinson

P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Let’s get serious, bro.

Everybody's Kung-Fu Fighting

Getting in a fight? Lame. Watching someone else fight? Awesome. While some of the great ones have already been settled (Alien v. Predator, Rocky v. Drago, thong v.underwear) others are still too close to call (blonde v. brunette). That being said, here are some great fights I would pay to see. Feel free to rock the vote on what you think the outcome would be. Note: Answer key at the bottom of the page.

(1) Super Lightweight Champion:

Canada v. France

Baguettes meet hockey sticks in a battle of places that feature cold temperatures, funny accents, and weird looking currency. Canada’s slight edge for its proximity to America and for producing Pamela Anderson is immediately nullified by the existence of French-Canadians.

Which is the “better” country: (A) Canada or (B) France?

(2) Middleweight Champion:

One celebrates growing wood, the other celebrates poles.

Who wins the battle of fantastic holidays: (A) Arbor Day or (B) Flag Day?

(3) Heavyweight Championship:

Trebek v. Sajak

This “showdown” recently opened up when undefeated World Champion, Bob Barker retired. Trebek’s knowledge of military warfare and history gives him a slight edge, though if Sajak connects with a right hook, it could be lights out: 25 years of spinning that wheel has turned his hand to iron and if he’s able to channel his silent rage over never taking a run at Vanna White, Sajak could leave Trebek’s face in the form of a question.

Vote in the Game Show Host Match-up: (A) Trebek or (B) Sajak?

(4) The Main Event:

Both events have been staples of debauchery since the bleary-eyed dawn of man. Both attract girls who will do almost anything for a reasonable fee of plastic beads. While Spring Break holds a geographical advantage (celebrated all over the globe), Mardi Gras rocks an impenetrable fortress – not even Mother Nature herself can ruin that party.

Who wins the slap down of debauchery: (A) Mardi Gras or (B) Spring Break?

Answer Key:

Naked Man!

As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today, they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit.

But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.

Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.

Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.

Step 1:

You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.

Step 2:

Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth.

Step 3:

Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.

This works...2 out of 3 times.

Barney Stinson University (B.S.U.)

OPEN ENROLLMENT -- COURSE ADDITION

SOC 435 -- Woo and You: A Study of Woo Girls in their Natural Habitats

Course Objective: For students to gain a greater knowledge and insight into the species of Woo Girl and their various breeds and types. Course will be hands on/pants off and focus specifically on Woo Girl haunts such as Mardi Gras, Western Themed Bars, and Spring Break. At the end of the ten week session, students are expected to have thorough and exhaustive knowledge of Woo Girl culture and mating rituals.

Prerequisites: Students shall have successfully passed both CGR 105 (An Introduction To Cougars) and ADV BRST 235 (Differential Equations and Matrix Algebra of Breasts.) Enrollment is limited to upper classmen only.

Professor: Stinson, B.

Class Schedule:

Week 1: WHAT IS A WOO?
An overview of Woous Normalus and their place in history, society, and mythology. Special guest lecturer: 3-time Wet T-shirt champion Tara Collins.

Week 2: THE CALL OF THE WOO
An in-depth look at the mating call. In the laboratory, students will master both the tonal aspects and wavelength duration of a Woo call. Later, during advanced fieldwork, students will attempt to infiltrate a pack of Woo girls, observe them in their native environments, and record and submit the phone numbers of any hot ones.

Week 3: THE BEAD INDUSTRY
The symbiotic relationship between young, impressionable women and shiny round objects on strings. We will examine both the micro and macro economics of Wooing.

Week 4: SUB-SPECIES OF WOO
Woous Vegasus, Woous PanamaCityus, and Woous SouthPadreus. We will explore their differences and similarities as well as their journey from Daddy’s Little Girl to Bad Relationships, and how the Discovery of Madori affects this evolution.

Week 5: MOVIE NIGHT
In what has traditionally been a popular lecture, students will analyze and deconstruct a collection of Girls Gone Wild DVD’s.

Week 6: WOO GIRLS AT THE WORKPLACE
An analysis of Woo Girl professionals. Lecture will focus through a historical lens, highlighting Woo girls in the workplace from the early days of aviation hospitality to present day pharmaceutical sales.

Week 7: FIELD TRIP TO MARDI GRAS
Students will observe the highest Holy Day of Woo, in the Wooiest City in the World.

Week 8: ORAL PRESENTATIONS
Students present theses prepared over this intensive two month course. Suggested topics include: The Seasons of Woo, The Origins of Woo, and Woos in World War II.

Required Reading:

• Subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine
• STA Spring Break Travel Guide ‘09
• The Female Anatomy, 1991 ed.
• The Bro Code
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Required Viewing:

• Charlie’s Angels: The Complete First Season
• Wild Things
• Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Season Yearbook 1994
• MTV’s The Grind: Complete Series

Doing Hard Time

As any graduate of Barney Stinson University can tell you, everything you need to know in life you learned while watching soft core porn:

• "Pool Cleaner" is the best job on the planet
• Busty blonde women make the best detectives
• Women's prisons are hot, sexual breeding grounds of uninhibited debauchery

Female prisons existed for millennia as vast untapped (heh) reservoirs until our friends the Ancient Egyptians invented the conjugal visit, and suddenly the maximum security sexual paradise became accessible not just to Pharaoh, but also to Joe the Pyramid Builder. While today's gentleman may think starting a relationship with a female convict sounds like the perfect relationship - minimal talking, no expensive dinners, guaranteed sexual relations – I must warn you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

While these women are caged animals whom you can love and leave at your pleasure, what happens when they’re no longer caged? Parole boards and over-crowded prisons have conspired to threaten this fragile heaven. So how do you know which violent criminal should be the next notch on your bedpost (that you can make with her shiv!)? You can start by having her fill out this simple questionnaire, provided she knows how to read.

The Bro Code

At long last I have published "The Bro Code" -- the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes. "The Bro Code" definitively answers some of mankind's most profound dilemmas like "what happens if I accidentally brush against another Bro's junk?" and "how many pizzas should I order?" and "can I sleep with a Bro's ex-girlfriend?" This life-saving document is now available both in book stores and online.

Read an excerpt here.

An informative and valuable read for men and women alike, "The Bro Code" is the perfect stocking stuffer (heh) this holiday season, but don't take my word for it...

Critical Acclaim for "The Bro Code"

• "This is the finest piece of literature ever written. Now will you give me my phone back, Barney?" --Theodore M.
• "This is by far the most disgusting, disparaging, stomach churning thing I've ever read, which means a lot if you've ever seen one of my husband's grocery lists."--Lily A.
• "You'll howl... with delight!"--Stephen King
• "Stinson uses language like a scalpel, digging though our deepest emotional tissue to expose the very core of the human psyche." --Mike Tyson
• "Finally! A book worth reading!" --God
• "Stinson beat me to it." --J.D. Salinger
• "Jefferson's out, Stinson's in!" --Rachel M. (President - Mount Rushmore National Preservation Society)
• "An entertaining beach read." --Pope Benedict XVI
• "Ewww." --Robin S.
• "Out of this world!" --Alien (creature from another planet)
• "I'm sorry what?" --Maya Angelou
• "I have a hundred words for 'snowflake' but only one word for 'The Bro Code,' - awesome!" --Some Eskimo maybe
• "This book makes me want to rethink my career." --Mark (the dude who wrote the Gospel

Interveneous Injection

When a friend gets engaged, there's only one appropriate response: PANIC. Engagement is often the gateway to marriage; the leading cause of monogamy. As a friend, it's incumbent upon you to prevent this calamity, but should the traditional methods of intervention (booze, strippers, more booze) come up empty, you may have to resort to a more personal and heartfelt tactic: reading him the most heartfelt of letters.

Not a Father Day

Everyone’s talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father’s Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.

But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It’s simple. In fact, there’s a good chance you’re already Not a Father, but you’ll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first.

Not A Father - FAQs

1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father?
   
   The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
   
   
2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
   
   Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.
   
   
3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
   
   Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:

• "the penis poncho" (condom)
• "sex mints" (birth control pills)
• "outercourse" (dry-humpin’)
• "the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)
• "the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)

A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/how_i_met_your_mother/community/barney_blog/www.thenationalcampaign.org/unplanned/back2school.aspx

I Heart NJ

The fist bump. One bro's way of telling another bro: "clever joke" or "thanks for taking the heffer so I could get the hottie" or "don't worry, I won't tell your girlfriend/wife." It's essentially the only acceptable form of bro-to-bro contact with the obvious exception of the high five. While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of bro-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.

Can you match these momentous fist bumps over the course of history with their place on the timeline?

1. Eli Whitney fist bumps cotton
2. God fist bumps Adam
3. Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV
4. Martin Luther fist bumps his 95 theses onto the door of the church
5. Tommie Smith and John Carlos fist bump atop the Olympic podium
6. Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle
7. Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict a Pharaoh fist bumping a cat
8. China builds the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion
9. Chuck Yeager breaks the sound/fist bump barrier - (Other guy's arm falls off - never done again)
10. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make the first space fist bump
11. The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump

The Host with the Most

Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host?

• Personality -- Check
  
• Awesomeness -- Check
  
• Good Looks -- Check
  

Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.

IS SHE LEGAL?

20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal?

• Location: International waters
  
• Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly
  
• Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice
  
• Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board
  

AMERICA'S WETTEST T-SHIRT

500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest

• Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo
  
• Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps
  
• Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants
  
• Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society
  

FATHERS AND SONS

Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew

• Location: The heart
  
• Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son
  
• Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop
  
• Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association
  

THE NEXT GREAT TAILOR

Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week

• Location: Milan
  
• Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories:
  1. Wear-ability
  2. Remove-ability
  3. Get-Barney-laid-ability
• Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid
  
• Sponsor: Barney's New York. Duh.
  

DON'T FORGET YOUR WALLET

Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship.

• Location: A bedroom near you
  
• Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas
  
• Prize: Freedom
  
• Sponsor: Trojan "Together we can end Feelings"
  

Overcoming Illness

As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the “get well” cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams you’ve been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings.

During my courageous battle against Feelings I discovered, in shock, that the medical establishment has done very little research on this crippling affliction. In fact some physicians even went so far as to claim Feelings aren’t even a life-threatening disease! Luckily for you my PhD in Awesomeness has qualified me to assemble this informative medical pamphlet for any of you who fear you may have contracted Feelings.

Keep fighting, America.

ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM FEELINGS?

What Are Feelings?

Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs.

Early Warning Signs

When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:

• Pounding Heart
  
• Dry Mouth
  
• Nausea
  
• Inability to speak
  
• Sweating
  
• Desire to say flattering things
  

If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease…

Symptoms

• Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
  
• Lightheadedness
  
• An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
  
• Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
  
• Brunch cravings
  
• Explosive monogamy
  
• Happiness
  
• Failure to notice other hot women
  
• Crosswording
  

Transmission

Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.

Treatment

At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.

paid for by the Barney Stinson Foundation

“Together we can end Feelings”

Emrgency Room

Thweers bwwn an accieernht. Ok thus isn't wirkuing/

Hello, I'm Bill, a nurse here at St. Anthony's. Patient Stinson here asked me to type this stupid blog for him because he's suffered severe injuries to over 83% of his body. He says he'll pay me quite handsomely and judging by the stack of hundreds I found in the suit we cut off him, I believe him. So here goes.

"Barnacles, when you find yourself in pursuit of the ladies, you may be forced to don a disguise of a less awesome nature, such as a full body cast. Now…"

Hold on. What the hell is a Barnacle? And are you saying you wear a costume when you're trying to pick up chicks?

uM. yeAh.

Why?

oT gEt therm tro go home wiyth me.

That's kind of pathetic, no? Seems to me you'd look like a damn fool wearing a costume in the middle of the club. Don't people laugh at you?

No.

Sure they don't.

Tey dwont!

Why don't you just be honest about yourself and tell a woman she looks beautiful? Usually works for me, and I empty bedpans for a living.

Wrll you're during It wrOng!!!

That's funny. I have not one, but two lady friends from last night who may beg to differ.

Twyo?

Okay, anyone who is actually reading this blog: You're being misled. Meeting women is not that complicated. You don't need capes or costumes or whatever. Just show an interest in what she likes. Make her feel special. Oh, and wear a suit.

iM ntt gong to payy you noww.

Huh. Then I guess I'll be a little slower with your morphine drip.

Nnnnoooo!

Barney's Mail Sack

Dear Barney,
You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how you look really, really awesome in suits? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my doctor girlfriend, Zella Stinman, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my awesome best friend has incredible sex with one hot chick one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing?

- Med Tosby - New York, NY

Dear Med,

Yes. You're missing something fundamental. Observe.



Get well soon,

Barney

A Call to Wings

Behind every great man is a great wingman: Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen, George Bush the First had Dan Quayle, and Han Solo had Chewbacca. But sadly you can't just snap your fingers and find a Dan Quayle, so I have been forced to scrape by with Ted as my wingman for the last few years. But no more.

I am in the market for a new wingman.

Below is my "Application to be Barney Stinson's Wingman." If you think you're up to the job - and let's face it, you're probably not - please complete the form and mail it back to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com.

-The Barnacle

The Bro Code

Whether we know it or not, each of us lead our lives by an internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "The Bro Code."

Years ago, I set forth to compile and articulate the unspoken mores that exist between and among Bros the world over. While not intending to write a "Guide To Being a Bro," if men should treat it as such and choose to pass this compendium of knowledge from generation to generation, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye… but not out of it - that would be a violation of ARTICLE 77: "A Bro never cries."

The Bro Code is a living document - manifest in its 83 amendments - and as such is not yet publicly available in an unabridged volume. The original document is housed in a non-disclosed location, two stories beneath sea level in a vacuum-sealed bulletproof chamber. Re-printed here is a sampling of some of her articles. Learn. Live. Enjoy.

ARTICLE 26 "A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight." A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: "The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps." * SEE ZaBroder film

ARTICLE 53 "A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection." In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story. * Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages ** SEE APPENDIX E: "List of approved ninja training facilities and dojos."

ARTICLE 89 "A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro." Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.

Beach Videos

When you see a link to a beach video on this blog, you're not wrong to expect a little hidden camera work from a topless beach and some hushed commentary from your Uncle Barney, as exemplified in my forthcoming documentary series, "Planet Boob."

But this beach video… is priceless.

Sandcastles in the Sand by Robin Sparkles

The Pyramid of Screaming

HEY STUPID BLOG READERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG MORE?!?!

Sorry. My boss screamed at me over a few missing schematics and I had to release some steam. Why didn't I yell at my boss and not at you? Because that would be dumb, idiot.

You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of Screaming^TM.

What exactly is the Pyramid of Screaming^TM?

The Pyramid of Screaming^TM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.

To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:



The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.

It's no different inside your office, as exemplified by my own corporate scream pyramid:



Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.


IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.

Scrapbooking

Retaining evidence of ANYTHING you’ve ever said or done is foolish if not actionable, particularly if you’ve said and done the type of things I’ve said and done. But I am human, after all, and have a unique soft spot for the many many many acrobatic moments I’ve shared with willing ladies over the years. So how best to cherish these memories?

Most suggest a tawdry list or tally - hardly the proper forum for exalting the unique feminine beauties who, at some point in the past, so graciously let you nail them. That’s why I suggest today’s nostalgic gentlemen create and maintain a well-crafted scrapbook. Here’s how to do it.

NOTE: Fight the urge to turn your scrapbook into a coffee table book. Lack of secrecy can and will lead to disastrous consequences, including, but not limited to, the destruction of your treasured scrapbook.

HOW TO MAKE A SCRAPBOOK

• STEP 1: GET LAID
  
  
• STEP 2: TAKE PICTURE
  Something tasteful that captures the true essence of the woman. You’ll want to experiment to find your own style, but I’ve found the combination of zoom lens and cleavage to be the most classically rewarding.
  
  
• STEP 3: GATHER ARTIFACTS
  For instance, did you conjugate in a hotel? Well that room key doesn’t just unlock a room, it unlocks the memory of getting laid in that room.
  
  
• STEP 4: CHOOSE A COMPLIMENTARY COLOR
  Preferably, the background color of each page should reflect some aspect of your quarry. Was she Goth? Make it black. Was she a bride? Make it white. Was she a nun? How about a mixture of black and white.
  
  
• STEP 5: PICK A BORDER
  Here's where I really like to get creative. On page 83 of my own scrapbook, I detail a roll in the hay with a strapping young milkmaid. We quite literally rolled in hay. Hence, I constructed a border out of strands of hay I later found attached to my underpants.
  
  
• STEP 6: JOURNALING
  A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes those thousand words leave you little to no idea just who the girl was, or more importantly, just who you were. More information is always helpful. Here’s a sample journal from one of my scrapbook pages:
  
  Alias: Elsworth Di Bona
  
  Angle: Prince of Norway – I was to set sail to reclaim my rightful Norwegian throne stolen from me by the evil Dr. Reifenstandt. It was a dangerous, and most likely, deadly mission but such was the risk necessary to ensure my family crest be restored to its rightful, noble grandeur. My enemies could have been lurking anywhere, so it was imperative I secure safe lodging for the night.
  
  Girl: Jenni Hendriks
  
  Measurements: 36-24-35
  
  Special notes: Great backrubs. Unfortunately, roommate raised by elderly Norwegian aunt.
  
  If seen again: Pretend you have twin brother; amnesia; or you’re undercover and can’t talk now.
  
  
• STEP 7: ENJOY YOUR SCRAPBOOK!
  Not only have you commemorated your conquests in a classier way than the traditional notch on the bedpost, but you’ve also embarked on a lifelong hobby that will bestow great personal joy for years to come. Which brings us to the final and most important step of scrapbooking…
  
  
• STEP 8: GET LAID AGAIN
  

8.3 Seconds – That’s All You’ve Got To Make A First Impression

Everyday, I get thousands upon millions of electronic mails asking how to pick up women. The truth of the matter - however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you've ever learned about the opposite sex – is that a woman actually picks you. Worse yet, women are shamefully superficial: a woman will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how big her rack is. And just how long after first sight does it take for a woman to decide if she’d sleep with a guy? Try 8.3 seconds*. That's 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing.

Without the verbal acumen, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare contingencies such as laryngitis or, heaven forbid, the sudden appearance of a zit. Therefore, I’ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume ensembles that allow virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a woman’s 8.3 second barrier.

* Average time elapse based on a B.S. University study in which a cohort of attractive 18-22 year old females were exposed to pictures of random males and asked whether they would sleep with them. To legitimize the study, subjects were also shown a control picture of the lead researcher in a sharp suit and asked the same question.

FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES

MERCENARY – Walk into a bar wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a woman’s first thought will be, “Now here’s a man who can protect me,” followed quickly with her second thought, “I’d like to engage in sexual relations with this heavily armed man.”

VETERINARIAN

– A smock covered in dog hair will instantly convince any woman to sleep with you. Why? Because there’s nothing sexier to a woman than a man who actively sought an education in the early detection of feline diabetes and other animal maladies.

ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER

– Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim vest emblazoned with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the “Def Leppard” patch unless you plan on being uncomfortable all night.

L. L. COOL J

– Ladies love Cool James.

ARTIST

– Toss a beret on your melon and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly you’re the sensitive guy – which gives a woman the perverse pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry.

HAIR STYLIST

– Throw on a T-shirt two sizes too small for you, grab a hair dryer and an issue of Cosmo, and when you walk into a bar EVERY woman will want to be with you.

ESCAPED CONVICT

– Leg irons, and a black and white striped jumpsuit. Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger. Combine all three and you’ll make her Sing Sing for ten to twenty-five (minutes).