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Monday, September 28, 2009

Why Girls MUST wear Jeans to a Strip Club…

Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered “no” please refer to my earlier post Never Wear Jeans to a Strip Club from 2/14/06. If you answered “yes” take a second to admire them… maybe give them a soft caress... maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress… Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means you’re a chick and therefore have a duty (heh) to always wear jeans if and when you go to a strip club. Why?
  1. A chick wearing something other than jeans steals focus. Frankly, it’s disrespectful to those hardworking community college dropouts who’ve decided to listlessly gyrate their sinewy bodies in front of slack-jawed strangers in exchange for cash. Insulting, really.



  2. A skirt or a dress says you’re not open to a lap dance. Candy’s doesn’t have the time to push up your petticoats to get in there. That cute floral a-line basically announces you’re taking up space preventing another patron from contributing to her tattoo-removal fund. Not cool.

  3. Jeans are too tight for wallets. Wearing jeans forces you to keep money in places other than your pocket (I suggest betwixt your boobies), so when you have to pay for a drink you’re graciously offering patrons two shows for the price of one.



  4. Jeans help prevent infection. Trust me: you want as little exposed flesh on a strip club seat as possible. Save lives: cover up those gams.

  5. To attract the fellas. If there’s one thing guys like, its something else. After a night of seeing awesome nakedness, a woman in a pair of sexy tight jeans is a nice change. Plus, if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll take those jeans off later thereby completing the great circle of stripper life.
  6. Comfort. The fact that you came to a strip club in the first place shows that you’re a cool chick. You might as well take the night off from style and go for feel – you deserve to slip into those dungarees.

* A friendly “mahalo” to my TG/TS/TV readers!

Monday, September 21, 2009

DEFINE THIS!

I spent a lot of my summer chilling out with my special lady buddy, Robin. According to my social colleague, Lily, that wasn’t a precise enough definition of our time together. You see, as a gentleman I generally prefer not to kiss and tell (unless I’ve nailed a ten or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat… and also, just to be clear, I’ve slept with Robin A LOT). But Lily has carelessly thrown around words like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” and – worst of all – “relationship.” I don’t think so. Look it up.

  • re·la·tion·ship [ree-ley-shuh n-ship] – A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.
I mean, how ridiculous can one get? “Connection existing between people”?! What are we, Siamese twins? “related to” Um, no. Gross. “Dealings with each other”? We don’t have dealings, we have intercourse! Crazy, “here put this on” intercourse! Clearly, Robin and I are not in a “relationship.” But since Lily refuses to let it go, I thought I’d offer up some better definitions of how two people choose to interact… well, the PG version anyway.
  • hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.
  • hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.
  • see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.
  • da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex.


  • marr·iage – [marr-edge] see: suicide.
  • play·ing the field – [play-ing the feeeeld] – Banging as many people as possible.
  • just friends – [just frends] – Two people who probably could’ve banged that one night but didn’t and it’s been a little weird ever since. They’ve thought about it, though.
  • Barn·man and Rob·in [barn-man and rob-in] – A delightful and humorous play on words meant to equate Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky with popular comic book superheroes Batman and Robin, but instead of fighting crime they like to have sex in public places… but they do sometimes wear costumes, so… yeah.

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