Emrgency Room

Thweers bwwn an accieernht. Ok thus isn't wirkuing/

Hello, I'm Bill, a nurse here at St. Anthony's. Patient Stinson here asked me to type this stupid blog for him because he's suffered severe injuries to over 83% of his body. He says he'll pay me quite handsomely and judging by the stack of hundreds I found in the suit we cut off him, I believe him. So here goes.

"Barnacles, when you find yourself in pursuit of the ladies, you may be forced to don a disguise of a less awesome nature, such as a full body cast. Now…"

Hold on. What the hell is a Barnacle? And are you saying you wear a costume when you're trying to pick up chicks?

uM. yeAh.

Why?

oT gEt therm tro go home wiyth me.

That's kind of pathetic, no? Seems to me you'd look like a damn fool wearing a costume in the middle of the club. Don't people laugh at you?

No.

Sure they don't.

Tey dwont!

Why don't you just be honest about yourself and tell a woman she looks beautiful? Usually works for me, and I empty bedpans for a living.

Wrll you're during It wrOng!!!

That's funny. I have not one, but two lady friends from last night who may beg to differ.

Twyo?

Okay, anyone who is actually reading this blog: You're being misled. Meeting women is not that complicated. You don't need capes or costumes or whatever. Just show an interest in what she likes. Make her feel special. Oh, and wear a suit.

iM ntt gong to payy you noww.

Huh. Then I guess I'll be a little slower with your morphine drip.

Nnnnoooo!

Barney's Mail Sack

Dear Barney,
You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how you look really, really awesome in suits? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my doctor girlfriend, Zella Stinman, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my awesome best friend has incredible sex with one hot chick one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing?

- Med Tosby - New York, NY

Dear Med,

Yes. You're missing something fundamental. Observe.



Get well soon,

Barney

A Call to Wings

Behind every great man is a great wingman: Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen, George Bush the First had Dan Quayle, and Han Solo had Chewbacca. But sadly you can't just snap your fingers and find a Dan Quayle, so I have been forced to scrape by with Ted as my wingman for the last few years. But no more.

I am in the market for a new wingman.

Below is my "Application to be Barney Stinson's Wingman." If you think you're up to the job - and let's face it, you're probably not - please complete the form and mail it back to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com.

-The Barnacle